reprinted from a lumina newsletter

Post Abortion Healing/Making the Connections

I headed out for gall bladder surgery recently. Although no
one particularly wants to have surgery, I was doing fine with the idea until
the day before the procedure when I felt like an alien had taken over my
thinking and emotions. I guess it all began when both my sisters who live near
me got ill, one with pancreatitis, the other the flu. This of course made it
impossible for either of them to take me for my surgery. In addition, both of
my sons were away, one up at school and the other working over an hour away.
Although both were coming home to help me for the weekend it still did not help
my hospital dilemma. So, here I was, no
way to get to the hospital. Suddenly, I felt myself going into panic mode,
overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment, loneliness, fear, anxiety and yes, even
grief. Where were these emotions coming from?

What was really up? I am blessed with countless friends who
would bring me to the hospital in a heartbeat if only I would say the word. In
fact, The Sisters of Life who I have worked with in post abortion ministry for
the last seven years tried relentlessly to get me to stay with them so they
could take care of me but I, like many, wanted to recover at home in my own
bed. Still, I was drowning in these feelings. I had been here enough over the
years to realized it was time to stay still, pray and examine what was going on
for me.

It did not take long for me to figure it out. Over thirty
years after my own abortion, ten of which have been spent working with other
post abortive women and men, I was experiencing what has now come to be known
as abortion connectors. True, for me after all these years they are less and
very far between, but they still creep in from time to time. It did not take me
long to realize that they had once again reared their ugly head. I thank God I
now have the tools that enable me to pray and see, and move past them. What are
they? They can be people, places, situations, clothes, feelings and a host of
other things that bring your abortion to your subconscious mind. Recognition of
personal connectors often diffuses their power as you legitimize the feelings
but learn to put the past in the past dealing with the reality of the present.

So what was up for me? Number one the ride to the hospital
for the surgery. Thirty years later I still do not know how I got there the day
of my abortion, I just remember overwhelming loneliness and feelings of
abandonment with no family or friends at my side. The present: the knowledge of
my sisters not being able to take me for the surgery brought up all those
feeling I had years ago of abandonment, but I was not abandoned this time. In
fact, I had countless people there for me physically, spiritually and
emotionally.

Secondly, the gall bladder surgery was being done in the
same hospital where my 3^rd trimester abortion had taken place. Hence
memories of the death of my child who I had actually seen thrown into a jar
marked 3A although I had had no previous warning of what I was about to
experience. Recognizing this impact on me diffused that as well as I know my
son Joshua is now “living with the Lord” and spiritually a part of my daily
life. Although it would have been preferable to go to a different hospital,
unfortunately there are no hospitals left in this area, to my knowledge, that
do not do abortions.

Most importantly, I know now I am never alone now no matter
what I am “feeling”. God is with me always as I give each day to Him. I may not
always be aware of His presence. I may complain and at times still act as if I
know better than He does. I may take my eyes off of Him and like Peter walking
on the water begin to sink. The devil may still try to get me to doubt God’s
mercy, and that self loathing may even manifest itself for a second now and
again, however, I am now equipped with the tools I need to work through these
episodes. Most often I realize somehow somewhere I have begun to look somewhere
else instead of at Him, and I then turn my gaze back in an act of the will to
trust in Him.. Through His grace I have been healed. Under the mantle of Our
Lady, I have found refuge and love, and the courage to face the demons of
abortion. Yes, sometimes the devil rears his head and tries to get me off
guard, but with Jesus by my side each day I know he does not stand a chance.
The battle has already been won.