Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

A Story of Hope

 
            Thirteen
years ago I had an abortion.  By writing
this I hope to reach anyone who may be suffering as I was, and to share with
them my experience and healing.

            I grew up
in a Catholic home.  Despite my refusal
to accept many teachings of the church, I did believe in the sanctity of all
human life.  When I got pregnant during
my first year in college, I felt my only choice was adoption.  Although this was a most painful experience,
it didn’t compare to the horror I went through a year later when I aborted my
second child.  Deep inside, I knew I was
living immorally, the one who “accidentally” got pregnant.  I wasn’t pressured by anyone.  I just could not bear the thought of giving
up another child and I was convinced I wouldn’t be a fit parent.  What kind of parent was so irresponsible
anyway?

            By this
time I had completely lost my faith. 
Living a way that contradicted what I knew in my heart to be true, made
faith impossible.  I proceeded to have
the abortion, and so violated one of my most basic instincts.  No one could tell me it wasn’t a child.  I had been pregnant and given birth to my son
a year earlier.  I knew this was no
“collection of cells”.  I told no one and
buried it deep inside.

            Years went
by.  I rarely thought about the abortion,
but I drank heavily and became increasingly depressed and withdrawn.  Looking at children was painful, looking in
the mirror almost impossible.  Somehow,
by the grace of God and the prayers and guidance of many, I became sober and
found my way back to the church.  I
confessed for the first time in many years. 
I told the priest I was sure I’d broken all the commandments except for
killing someone.  Then he asked me if I
had ever had an abortion.  I wasn’t
lying, it simply had not occurred to me. 
I received absolution that day, but the real consequences of my abortion
began to surface.

            I thought
about it every day.  I felt dirty,
evil.  I was a liar, a hypocrite and a
murderer.  I despaired of ever truly
being forgiven.  No matter how many times
it came up in confession, I could not forgive myself.  I went to vigils and walks to end abortion
but only felt more alienated, terrified that someone would “find out”.  In desperation I finally contacted the
Sisters of Life, and through their ministry, the real work of my healing began.

            I learned
that this quiet, secret pain was not just another result of “Catholic guilt”
(as a friend had suggested once) but a real consequence of having made the
decision to abort my child.  I also met a
woman who was healed of her abortion and began to believe that with God’s grace
and mercy, I too might one day be healed.

            Jesus
continues to work with me (often despite myself).  One of the greatest obstacles to healing is
the belief that if I don’t suffer for my sin, it will mean that the abortion
wasn’t “that bad.”  I am slowly being
changed.  I pray to my son, who I
believe, as our Holy Father says, is now “living in the Lord”.  I can stand on prayer chains with compassion
instead of anger.

            Two years
have passed since I first visited the Sisters of Life.  Through the ministry and work with other
women like myself, God has brought me from a place of despair to one of joy and
hope.

            I pray that
anyone suffering will take the next step toward healing.

Anonymous