Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

            When I was
18, I had an abortion.  Exactly one year
later, I had another abortion.  I am
ashamed to admit that the overriding reason for both of these abortions was
that I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell my parents that I was
pregnant.  Abortion seemed like an easy
solution.  I foolishly believed that
abortion would not affect me at all.  I
even counseled friends to have abortions. 
“It’s no big deal,” I told them. 
At the time I truly was in the dark. 
The signs were there indicating exactly how affected I actually was, but
I ignored them.  For example, I cannot
recall many details from those two days. 
Even though they were a year apart, they are merged together in my mind
as one memory.  I can remember going to
the doctor’s office and going in the back. 
I remember lying on the table and talking to the anesthesiologist, and I
remember waking up and being very cold and sitting on a chair and talking to
the nurse.  These memories are
fuzzy.  They are two days merged into one
memory for me.  Thankfully, I was
completely under anesthesia for the procedures. 
I have heard many horror stories about abortion experiences.  I am also lucky because so far I’ve escaped
any permanent physical injury caused by abortion.  I use the term “so far” because the threat of
breast cancer hangs over my head.  Breast
cancer and abortion are definitely linked. 
Besides the immediate damage caused by abortion such as infection,
abortion is often responsible for infertility in women who have had
abortions.  Even one abortion can render
a woman infertile.  Although many women,
like me, go on to have children after having an abortion, many women cannot
carry a child to term after procuring an abortion.  This is truly heartbreaking.

            Mentally
and emotionally, though, I am damaged. 
Healing is possible, but not without ugly scars.  I began motherhood by killing my
children.  This also affects my children
that I haven’t aborted.  With the help of
the Lord, I have made this realization, and I have been able to change my
perspective as a mother.

            Once I
married and became pregnant, I started to get a clearer picture of what
abortion really is.  I was pregnant with
a baby I planned this time.  All of a
sudden I began to see the truth.  Fear
caused me to turn my back in this realization. 
I couldn’t fully embrace this truth because I wasn’t ready to accept the
fact that I butchered two precious babies. 
So life went on.  I had my
baby.  We were thrilled.  L

ife

seemed perfect.  Shortly after that, I
became pregnant again.  I was joyfully
anticipating another addition to our family. 
Right from the start, I didn’t feel right.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew
something was wrong.  Everything seemed
ok, and according to the doctors the baby was fine.  So I ignored my feelings of doom.  When I was almost 8 months pregnant, it
became apparent there was a problem with the pregnancy.  I went for some tests.  It was determined that my baby had a heart
defect and would require special treatment at the time of delivery.  We would have to wait and see after
that.  Naturally, this was a difficult
time for us.  During this time, more
tests were taken.  Barely recovering from
the first diagnosis, we were informed that our baby had an extremely rare
chromosomal disorder.  We were called
into the doctors’ office and given this devastating news.  I was now 36 weeks pregnant – full term.

Upon hearing this news, I went numb.  It’s hard to explain what happens as your
mind goes into shock.  You’re no longer
100% present.  Part of the mind shut down.  A genetic doctor was there explaining all
that would happen in the life of our child, if in fact she lived.  The prognosis was grim.  Our hearts broke as we listened.  Full comprehension of what was being said was
not possible.  Many surgeries would be necessary
to correct muscular and skeletal problems. 
Our baby would be severely mentally and physically retarded.  Her physical features would be distorted and
deformed.  This information was so
distressing that my brain wasn’t even processing it.  I had never been so afraid in my whole
life.  Then I heard the words I wish were
never spoken.  One of the doctors stated
that we needed to discuss our options.  I
thought she was referring to what needed to be done at the time of
delivery.  But what she was actually
speaking of was abortion, or “terminating the pregnancy”.  My mind was reeling.  I could go out of state and terminate the
pregnancy.  My first response was “no
way”.  I felt those words in my
heart.  But somewhere between that moment
and that evening, I had decided to kill my beloved child.  We flew out of state two days later.

            After
delivering my dead infant, we were given the opportunity to hold her.  My husband couldn’t bring himself to hold her
or even look at her.  I held her little
body in my arms and I cried.  I still
didn’t realize how wrong this all was. 
The clinic staff and the doctor complicate matters by making everything
seem normal.  What’s happening is the
furthest from normal as you can possibly get. 
They take pictures of the baby and give you an urn for the ashes.  The doctor talks about the grieving process,
and uses terms like “miscarriage abortion” to somehow make you believe your
child was meant to die.  Everything is
twisted.  I now understand why.  The devil cannot create life or stop creation
from happening.  What Satan can do is
distort reality and lead people to believe that abortion is something good, a
“right”.

            Seeing all
of this in the light simplifies things. 
At the moment of conception, a new life is created.  It really is that simple.  My two earlier abortions made it possible for
to choose abortion a third and final time. 
For so long, I believed there to be a huge difference between the first
two abortions and the last one.  But
there is no difference.  All three babies
were killed.  All three babies are now
with the Lord.

            As a mother
of children here on earth, it is hard to admit to killing three of your
children.  That’s why it takes so many
people so long to deal with their grief and guilt.  I struggle with those feelings all the
time.  The good news is I am not
alone.  I have my husband, who has been
by my side from day one, and also grieves for three children.  I have good friends, who refrain from judging
me.  And most importantly, I have the
Lord.  Jesus, in His infinite mercy and
compassion, continues to lead me out of the darkness into the light.  What I’ve done has wounded Him deeply, and
yet, He loves me still.  I lean on Him and
He leads me from despair to hope.  There
is no greater freedom than placing your trust in the Lord.

– YD –