Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

Twenty-f

Our Hearts are Restless Until they Rest
in You

If I could change anything
about my life it would be to never have aborted my two children. But I did it,
and there is no turning back.

Since facing my abortions,
my life had been a nightmare but also a wake up call.  I had no other choice but to take the
opportunity to take a closer look at myself and the way I was living my life. I
was desperate and had to do something. My life was in danger because of the
depression I was living in.

That’s when I was blessed to
come across Lumina while browsing on the web looking for support.  I emailed the site and got a call right away.
For the first time, I felt understood and comforted.  I was also a bit puzzled that a stranger
would read into me so well and would help me more than my loved ones.

As much as I was touched to
have found someone that offered me genuine help, I was also wondering why a stranger
would be so concerned and care so much for me. What did she want in return? Was
it a trick to bring me back to faith? At the time I didn’t need any religion to
know that I killed my two babies and I was convinced that turning to God would
just make it worse.

Theresa

kept calling me even when I wasn’t returning her
calls or when I wasn’t responding to what she had to offer. She kept caring for
me unconditionally while I thought I wasn’t worth so much attention and
support. 

It finally took me a lot of
courage to attend the Entering Canaan Day of Hope and Healing for post-abortive
women in the

Bronx

developed by

Theresa

& the Sisters of Life. I did all I could
within myself to avoid going, but my despair was greater than my fear, so I
finally went. That’s when everything began to change.

That day something happened
to me. I could tell you that I cried like I never cried before. That my entire
body ached, and I couldn’t even speak. My pain was too deep to be expressed
through words, but I can also tell you that contrary to what I anticipated, I
felt safe. No one judged me and I received so much support that I let go and
surrendered to the pain inside of me. I also learned (and still do) words like
forgiveness, unconditional love, compassion for others and for myself… but that
day the greatest thing also happened to me: God entered my life!

I continued in the ministry
attending the weekend retreats and monthly “Gatherings” and slowly processed
what was needed for me to face myself and what had happened. Today I am a
changed woman. Not only have accepted my abortions but I also have a better
understanding as to why I got into such self-destructive behaviors in the past.
Things have become much clearer. I have a better sense of who I am and I treat
myself with more respect and dignity. Of course, there are still steps towards
healing, but I am moving forward with God on my side and that’s what matters. 

Until my abortions I did not
have faith,  I spent years in an
atheist/hedonist cult, didn’t have much hope, was depressed, angry at the world
and cynical since I thought I knew better. Now everything has changed. I feel
that there is something grander and greater: God. He has forgiven me; He loves
me, supports me & protects me. For once in my life, there is Hope.

I thought that I would carry
my burden and sins forever but, through the sharing in this ministry and also a
post abortion group at Midtown Pregnancy Support Center,  I understood that I am not my sins, that when
I committed the worst I didn’t know better (now I do), and that God wants me to
be free and happy.

And one day, through His
mercy and goodness,  I’ll meet my
children!

Christiane
Zufferey