Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

We had a wonderful retreat this weekend.As I mentioned in a previous post, the theme was "The Gift of Faith" based on the book by Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer.

Our talks touched on many aspects of faith…one was facing our fears and using them to help us grow in faith, especially our fears as a result of abortion…fear of being found out, fear of condemnation, fear of loosing control..there are a ton of them.

We also spoke of faith as acceptance of Gods will in our lives, and the Eucharist as a accumulation of our faith. I am very grateful for the women who shared their experiences by giving talks and to all the women who so courageously opened up this weekend, and trusted God in their healing journey.

Here is one talk I gave…hopefully it will make sense on paper…

“St Therese wrote that trust and faith are made perfect
amidst fears. Fear is a trial of faith and that is why God allows it, so that
you may grow in faith. Fear can contribute to illness in many people…but it can
also be an outlet to total abandonment to God.

I must admit when I was writing this retreat there was a
part of me that did not want to pick this issue for a talk. “trust and faith are made perfect amidst
fears”..it is a hard thing to get your arms around-especially if you, like
me, lived or are living in paralyzing fear.

As much as I joke about having been a person filled with so
much fear before my healing that I was afraid of ordering MacDonalds, there is
still that part of me that mourns the years I spent living that way. I know
many who are post abortive feel the same way

I probably could go on and on with the fears I faced after
my abortion:

·        
Fear of being found out – just the thought of it
would make me tremble

·        
Fear of the judgment of others- because I had
judged myself mercilessly

·        
Fear of my own decision making process – because
I had given in

·        
Fear of my children learning of my abortion-
they would hate me

·        
Fear of friends learning of it

·        
Fear of change – even misery can get comfortable
if we are afraid of change

I was living in the hell of my husbands addictions and yet I was afraid
to move.

·        
Fear of the unknown

·        
Fear of seeing myself in truth and learning how horrible I was·    

   
FFear of not being able to do anything right

And most of all

·        
Fear of abandonment because of my experience-that
excruciating pain of complete aloneness and feeling unloved

·        
Fear of God’s judgment and eternal damnation

·        
Fear of my son Joshua and hi s condemnation of
me

I lived my life in horrible paralyzing fear…if you could
call it a life.

These overwhelming feeling of fear certainly did contribute
to “illness” in me. I suffered anxiety and panic attacks. I became immobile. I
was depressed and often despaired. Each and every day was a battle to
function…one I often think I would not have fought if it were not that I had
two sons who I wanted to give a life to. Life was sad and painful- it was a
daily battle to move on

Over the years of doing this work, I have met many who
suffered with illness as a result of the impact of their fear on their mental
health, and often their physical health which ultimately gets impacted as well.

So, how on
earth does this fear which is so paralyzing, give way to trust and faith?

One step at
a time..and often painful steps.

sometimes we
cannot see God in our lives

we cannot
feel His presence

Sometimes we
do not even know where to begin to trust. That is how I wasa by the time I
reached out for God

Like the disciples in the boat tossed around by the waves, I
was tossed around by my emotions which can caused me turmoil and panic and even
to react to things in ways that otherwise would be unthinkable.

In fact, oftentimes, we fulfill our biggest fears by our
behaviors..we sabatoge ourselves. It is as if we think if we can have control
over it it will not be as painful so, since we think it is inevitable-we actually
cause some things to happen because then we fool ourselves into thinking we are
in control of that we were right all along. For me, the beginning of trust was
not reacting to emotions. It was staying still while at the same time allowing
myself to feel them. Feelings are not good or bad, they just are. Some make
sense, some don’t, some are a product of our current experiences, some a result
of the past. I had to learn that

It meant stepping out in trust Getting to know God and His
ways and Facing those fears I had with Him instead of alone.

Two quotes that hit me were:

Courage is not the absence of fear…moving forward in spite
of our fears.

Only thing to fear is fear itself

They helped me to see I was not the only one who felt as I
did.

In the beginning of my conversion the priest I was seeing
gave me a book to read. “Hinds Feet on High Places” by Hannah Hurnard. She has
written a few books after this  but I
hear ended up drifting from the faith, but this book fit me perfectly!

It is the story of “Much Afraid”, the main character, and
part of the Fearing Clan who live in the

Valley ofHumiliation

.
Much AFraid is a cripple and is paralyzed by fear much like I was,  which caused her to stumble as she went about
her work for the Chief Shepherd..

Her “relatives”
consisted of

Craven
fear..who she is being pressured to marry

Pride

Self pity

Resentment
& bitterness..Sound familiar???

Much Afraid desire was to reach the “high places” but the
Chief Shepherd tells her she needs to develop “hinds feet” in order to get there.
And so she needed to set ou ton the journey .He promises to be there when she
calls for him and encourages her on her way giving her two companions “Sorrow
and Suffering”.

Much Afraid meet s many obstacles on her journey. She has to
travel through the valley of loss, the forest of danger and others fearful
places. Her relatives who are angry she has left, try to put obstacles in her
way and she quickly learns she cannot them without the shepherds help. It I s
only when she becomes so tired of feeling miserable that she sings a song of
worship and the Shepherd comes to her aide. After many trials she comes to
learn that all that matters to her is her faithfulness to her Lord, and so she
crucifies her own will for that of the Shepherds.

Like Much Afraid, It took me time to  learn that in spite of my feelings of
fear,  God was always there, caring for
me, directing me.

I began to put my Trust in Him instead of others or myself

I obtained a New found confidence in Him- one step at a
time.

that does not mean that I do not have fear anymore or that I
never act on emotions, I still have the same faults as before, but I am much
better at recognizing them when they surface and through prayers, not acting on
them. 

“Fear is a trial of
faith and that is why God allows it, so that you may grow in faith.”

If my fears did not move me to grow. I f my desire for peace
did not cause me to seek God, I would not have faith.

The biggest Paradox is, that complete abandonment to God, my
biggest fear would the one to bring me the greatest faith.

We have wonderful examples of the practice of great faith. I
am sure it is this faith that Maximillian Kolbe and all of the other martyrs
had when they offered their lives. They refused not to believe even in the face
of death. Mary too refused not to believe. In spite of the happened before her
eyes, the crucifixion of her Son, she still trusted God.

A good friend of mine died recently. Fr Michael Sepp..he too
was an example of great faith to me. Fr Michael had cancer. By the time it was
found it was already stage four and in his bones. He suffered a very painful
death, but always suffered with generosity, and instead of being bitter,
embraced the cross God had given him. He told me more than once that cancer was
not his enemy, but the means in which our Lord was joining him to Himself. I
know Father had times of fear, but he refused not to believe. I will never loo k at suffering the same. I truly
believe I knew a saint, and someone to whom trust and faith were made perfect amidst fears.

Pope JPII told us “Be
not Afraid”

That very phrase appears in the Bible over 300 times.

Do not be afraid!
Of what should we not be afraid?
We should not fear the t

about
ourselves.
Do not be afraid of men!
Man is always the same.
The systems he creates are always imperfect, and the more imperfect they are,
the more he is sure of himself.
Where does this originate?
It comes from the human heart. Our hearts are anxious. Have no fear!
Do not be afraid of God's mystery; do not be afraid of His love; and do not be
afraid of man's weakness or of his grandeur! Man does not cease to be great,
not even in his weakness.
Do not be afraid of being witnesses to the dignity of every human being, from
the moment of conception until death."
"Crossing the Treshold of Hope" by John Paul II

When Much Afraid reaches the High Places, she is given a new
name by the Chief Shepherd, Grace & Glory, bestowing upon her divine love.

Perfect love..in
the book Mary Mother of Faith” we are told “What perfect love does is to serve
God, and Him only, at each level of faith, humbly and patiently waiting for him
to show the next step, whether progress is rapid and eager, or slow and
painful, as God wills.”  moment by moment
grace is granted to move forward in spite of our fears.

May each of us trust admist any fears we may have and use
them as opportunites to, grow so that our faith and trust may be made into perfect
love, and we may be transformed into the grace & glory of God.

After such weekends I cannot help but be amazed by the mercy and love of God and the blessing of being able to do this work and come to know these wonderful women who are in the process of healing from their abortions.