Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

A beautiful post by Stacy on her blog, "Love Notes to Nani" ..a tribute to her mom who died suddenly last year…Stacy is the Founder of ARIN "Abortion Recovery International" http://www.abortionrecovery.org/

Dylan Conor ~ there is no one who can fill these shoes…

29 years ago
today, I laid on a cold steel table in Newport Beach and made a
horrific choice to end the life of my first conceived child. A boy, I
would later name Dylan Conor. A life, I would later regret and miss
more than words can describe.

Pregnant
at the age of 18, living alone on an island off the Southern California
Coast I felt alone and confused. I had a scholarship in the fall in
Journalism. I wanted to become the next Barbara Walters. Instead of
leaving the island for college at end of the summer, I left the island
for a clinic and a “procedure” that would get my life “back to normal.”

My life has never, ever been the same!!

Mommy,

I
never apologized to you for ending the sweet life of your first
grandchild. I never asked you to forgive Dylan’s father and I for our
selfish and ignorant decision. I will always be regretful that I didn’t
go to you and Dad for help. But I was 18, afraid of your reaction and
the consequences of my behavior. I was an adult and I thought I had all
the answers!  Ha!

Now Mom, I’ve lived with the consequences
of “my choice” for 29 years. My pro-choice, became a “poor” choice as
the guilt, grief and shame ate at my soul for decades. Again, I
processed those emotions alone for years and didn’t ask you for help
Mama. I’m sorry ~ I know now you would have been there for me. I’m
grateful that we were able to share such secrets in the past few years
and that we each knew the emotions that were felt at the loss of our
children.

This
year, the anniversary of Dylan’s death takes a whole new meaning for
me. For one, I selfishly can’t call you to cry with over the phone. I
don’t really have anyone to hug me now on the anniversary of my baby’s
trip Home to Heaven. Hummmmm.. wasn’t quite prepared for that!  It’s
amazing all the little ways I miss you Mom ~ this day honoring Dylan,
taking Newport to the vet. Life is definitely different in your absence.

This
year, however I do have detailed colorful visions of Dylan sitting on
your lap. Images of you telling him stories and singing songs and
playing I Spy with him, as you have done with your five living
grandchildren. And this year, Dylan Conor will get to taste applesauce,
as only you can make it Mom!  🙂

Yes
Mommy dearest, this year is different. Although I may still be alone in
my thoughts and tears. I know my son is holding his Nani’s hand in
Heaven and that both of you now have each other.

Kiss his cheek for me Mommy ~ there is no one who can fill either of your shoes,

Loving you until Eternity,

-Stacy Lynn

you can check our Stacy's blog here:http://web.me.com/stacymassey/Love_Notes_to_Nani/Blog/Blog.html