Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

This is an article written by Janet Morana, a wonderful woman who is Associate Director of Priests for Life. The article is regarding loosing children from the use of contraceptives. While I certainly can understand her loss and grief, (I have often wondered myself how many children I lost due to my own use of contraceptives)  and her feelings of sorrow, having experienced both I do have to say for me there is a huge difference. While I can grief the loss of children that very well may have been, I know my aborted son Joshua was. I was aware of his life growing inside of me and I was instrumental in the ending of that life. While both cause the loss of children, with contraception, most often we were often not aware of what we were doing, something very different from living with the guilt and shame of willingly participating in the death of your child from abortion.

I am also not sure what the need is to compare them. I worry sometimes that people get caught up in battle stories of whose was "worse". I have no doubt Janet's loss is very real and painful no matter how it happened and no one should deny that pain. So whether the pain of the loss of children is from the use of contraception, or from abortion,  I chose to fix my gaze on Him and what He has done not on myself or even on the stories of others,but instead on the love and forgiveness of  God who is Mercy itself. I would love to hear some of your thoughts…

Abortifacients — The Other Forbidden Grief

I was born in Brooklyn, New York in 1952 and grew up educated in
Catholic schools. I am the oldest of four children with 14 years separating
the oldest to youngest in my family. I graduated college in 1974 and married
in 1975. It was a time when my Catholic faith no longer seemed to make sense
to me and I gradually drifted away and became a non-practicing Catholic. At
the same time all my close friends were getting married and so marriage
seemed like the next step to take— or so I thought.

I became engaged after dating my future husband for three months. From there
things snowballed towards our wedding day real fast. At Pre-Cana classes the
priest told us that if there were a really good reason to delay starting a
family then birth control pills were an option we could consider. What I didn't
realize was that this was bad advice both theologically, spiritually,
psychologically and physically!

As I was the oldest of four siblings I already had many years of dealing with
diapers and babysitting and so I felt that delaying starting a family was a good
idea. Also I had taken birth control pills back in high school (although I
wasn't sexually active) as prescribed by my OB/GYN for menstrual problems. Now a
priest and doctor were both giving me the green light and so I began my journey
down the slippery slope.

Three months before my wedding date I started taking birth control pills. I
continued taking the pill for two years until it seemed like it was time to
start a family. Once I came off the pill, I got pregnant immediately and gave
birth to an absolutely beautiful baby girl. I threw all my attention into trying
to be the best mother I could be and because of that wanted to delay having
another baby right away. So I went back on birth control pills until my daughter
was thirteen months old. At that time I felt she needed to have a sibling so I
decided to go off the pill. Once again, I became pregnant almost immediately.
The lesson I was teaching myself was this: no pills equals countless children!

This time I gave birth to beautiful twin girls. By this time information
started to be released showing there was a risk for clots and strokes by taking
birth control pills. Since there was a history of strokes in my family I was
afraid to go back on the pill. I didn't know about NFP, in fact the only natural
method that I knew of was the old "rhythm" method, which was considered by most
to be not very reliable. 

When the twins were three I thought I was pregnant again. It was just a scare
but it was enough to make me do something really drastic. I had a tubal
ligation. Now I felt I had solved all my problems— or so I thought.

I had embraced all the things that the feminist movement had been promoting
as being liberating for women and empowering them. I had not been liberated but
rather felt more and more trapped every day in a bad marriage.

As my marriage continued its downward spiral I focused more and more on my
three daughters. The good news is that I became reconnected with my Catholic
faith. As I began to rediscover my faith and the teachings of the Church I
learned about God's beautiful plan for marriage, including what NFP was all
about.

At the same time I also became aware of how birth control pills really
worked.

I thought birth control pills stopped fertilization when in fact that is not
the case. The pills stop the already-fertilized egg from implanting in
the uterus. In other words, they act as abortifacients.

I didn't realize the impact this new found information would have on me until
several years later when I was with a friend visiting Epcot Center in Disney
World. It was in the Wonder of Life exhibit where I would come to the complete
realization of the consequences of my birth control actions. As I began to watch
a beautiful photographic video showing the wonder of how life began, I realized
what taking the birth control pills really meant: aborting new life. In
the years that I had been taking birth control pills, I had been very sexually
active. I also knew that I was an extremely fertile woman. Given this fact,
there is no doubt that I had successfully conceived new life many times, but
that I had never given these little babies the chance to grow inside me. For the
very first time in my life, I came to grips with the fact that I had not only
shut myself off to life, but had also destroyed an unknown number of children.
I came out of that exhibit and there was a giant rushing water fountain nearby.
I walked over to it and began to sob uncontrollably. I stayed there for quite
some time absorbed in my sudden feelings of grief and remorse. This was the very
first time I became aware of the full impact of what I had done.

As my work in the pro-life movement continued I became more aware of the
damage that abortion does to women. I realized that many of these women had felt
alone with their grief but had found mercy and healing. These women who had come
through healing needed to be a voice for other women who are still locked in the
secret sin of abortion. I co-founded the
"Silent No More Awareness"
Campaign. People began to question me as to why I was involved in such a
campaign when I hadn't had an abortion. Here again I had to come to grips with
all the children I had lost because of birth control pills.

Most people that work in post abortion ministry only recognize the pain and
grief from surgical abortion. Yet I know in my heart that the loss I feel is
just as real as if I had had a surgical abortion. In fact, women who come to
realize this loss from using abortifacients often have just as strong a sense
of loss and grief. And yet there is an even bigger problem: Not enough
people, not even those in post abortion recovery programs, realize the need to
reach out to those of us that are suffering in silence. I know I am not alone.
In fact when I am at conferences speaking about the "Silent No More Awareness"
Campaign I have many women come up to me and share the grief they have from
years of taking abortifacients.

But there is good news. I was able to come to grips with these feelings of
grief and loss recently at a
Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. It was a first step in having my feelings
validated, and I began to deal with my loss in a new light. I am here to say
that I will be "Silent No More" about the children that I aborted through birth
control and I am reaching out to the other women who I know share these
feelings. I am sure I am not the only woman with a testimony like this. I want
others that would like to share their story to send it to me. I will post these
testimonies here on our website. I know we can help many families realize the
damage birth control will do to their lives by getting the word out. I also want
to reach out to others that feel the pain that I have described and tell them
that they too can take the first steps towards healing.

http://www.priestsforlife.org/postabortion/jmabortifacients.htm