Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

Here is an article, that was first published in the in American Life Leagues "Celebrate Life" magazine.

The Monster in The Room

        There
are not too many of us who have not had the experience of being
frightened as a child thinking there were monsters under our beds or in
our closets.
           My
parents always used to leave my bedroom door ajar when I was little. I
can still remember the fright I felt thinking a monster was under my
bed, or in the hallway about to barge into my room to devour me. I
ultimately would tell my parents about my fears and they would assure
me he wasn’t really present as we checked out each space to my
satisfaction until I felt safe enough to go to sleep.
Years later,
the presence of another monster began living in our house. This time we
all knew he was real, but no one spoke about him. We all felt his
presence. NO matter how much we tried to ignore him, he affected each
of our lives, but we each stayed in denial as if that would make him
less real or make him give up and go away.
           Unlike
my childhood days, there was no talk with my parents to alleviate the
fears, and the safety I once felt within family was no longer present.
In fact, being with my family became the place where I felt most
threatened and most unlike myself. I could not believe, in spite of his
huge presence, we all acted as if he did not exist. Was I the only one
seeing? Was I crazy for being upset? Did it really not bother them? We
lived a facade of closeness but in reality my family did not know me or
what was going on within me for years. Having been forced to abort my
unborn child by my parents when I was in my teens, the abandonment, and
isolation I experienced carried into our relationship on a permanent
level. The monster of abortion does that in countless families.
           Having
had a saline abortion, the picture of my unborn child was literally
burnt in my mind. The resulting fear, guilt, shame and self hate lived
with me for years. I suffered from panic and anxiety attacks, and
suicidal ideation was a constant companion. After all, I had killed my
own child.
           I
picked a spouse poorly, (you pick what you think you deserve), and for
me that meant abuse. Each subsequent pregnancy I experienced brought
with it a terror of being punished for my sin, but of course, I never
spoke of it. I stopped going to church and receiving the sacraments. In
my mind, I had committed the “unforgivable sin” and I was convinced
that the walls of the church would cave down around me if I entered, or
that the neon sign I was sure was affixed to my back would make my
abortion known to everyone. I lived in the constant fear of being
“found out”.
           After
years of suffering and living in denial with this monster that
controlled my life, I decided to confront my abortion. I returned to
church and began spiritual direction under my parish priest. As I came
to know Jesus, I learned of His mercy and forgiveness even for this
horrible sin. I refused to live in denial anymore, and although I did
not directly confront my family, they were very aware I was addressing
my abortion. When I began speaking out about my experience years later
no one in my family said a word.
        I
was sure they had just moved on. The abortion was never mentioned. In
fact, there was an unspoken rule never to speak of it, but in truth, it
touched all of our lives.
        Years
later I found out my mom carried around guilt for years, convinced she
too was headed to hell because they had forced me to abort. She also
experienced that same terror of punishment by God each time I was
pregnant. What should have been a joyful time for us had been filled
with fear and dread, thinking God was going to get us back.
        My
siblings were affected by my abortion as well, and future family
members would later tell me “We knew there was something wrong in our
family; we just did not know what it was.” My own living children
reacted with a resounding “Now, our life makes sense” when they learned
of their aborted brother, and a natural healing process had to take
place for them as well as they mourned the brother they never met,
aborted many years before they were even born.
        For
the past fifteen years I have been doing post abortion ministry. I have
witnessed abortions destruction in many families. The parents who is a
change in their daughter but do not know why. The husband and wife who
have become strangers because they believed abortion was an answer. The
teenager who knows her mothers secret and is desperate to help, but
afraid to let her know she knows. The sibling who feels guilty for
being alive. The father mourning the loss of the unborn child he did
not even know he had until it was too late. The list can go on and on.
        Over
the years many new ministries and outreach programs have been formed to
help those suffering from a past abortion. The church too has become
more vocal in reaching out to those suffering. More people are
confronting the impact abortion has had, not only on the mother and
fathers but on entire families and on our society. Countless women and
men have, and continue to find, healing through the mercy and
forgiveness of God.
        It
took many years, but the monster of abortion was finally addressed in
my family. With God’s help we finally chased him out of our heads and
hearts and filled them instead with His mercy and forgiveness.

Theresa Bonopartis