Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

from the blog "Post Abortion Journey"

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Grace to Forgive…

Well, halfway through Mother's Day and I'm still here.  I keep wavering back and forth between fully engaged and fully detached without the ability to find a comfy in-between.  I don't have a lot of clear thoughts or words for today, I'm sure they will come later. But, a few things I think I've come to know for sure over the last day or two.

I think I may need some help that I don't like asking for.  I think maybe a lot of what I've been feeling the last few months may be either half or even more than half of some kind of hormonal or chemical disconnect or whirlwind inside of my body and my mind.  I know for sure that the harder I try to pray, to hope, to love, to not stifle my own laughter, the harder someone tries to keep me from doing any or all of these things.  No one talks about the "devil" anymore and it sounds silly as I even type it here, but I have to believe that not all of what goes on with me is of myself entirely, whether good or bad.  But I seem to have only two states as of late, 90% of the time I feel nothing. I'm numb, no sadness, no joy, nothing.  The other 10% – well let's just say it's not a happy place either. 

No time to think about some of this right now or for the next few days, but my focus will be on keeping the darkness at bay until I'm able to address it full on.  The nights will be long the next few days as my hubby has some traveling to do.

At this morning's Mass – the Good Father spoke of love and love and more love and it was a lovely homily and parts of it touched my heart as I sat with one child on either side of me poking at me for attention or tugging at my skirt.  After communion, I knelt there with my eyes closed for a long time and asked for help, nothing specific, just, "help."  Another Good Father reminded me last week or so that I will not, ever, be able to free myself from any of this, or do anything at all by myself.  I need Him.  So, the last few days my prayers have been simple, just, "help."

the rest is here: http://postabortionwalk.blogspot.com/2012/05/grace-to-forgive.html

Totally relate..here is something I wrote abut forgiving my dad…
http://reclaimingourchildren.typepad.com/lumina_a_ray_of_light_aft/2012/03/seventy-times-seven-lent.html