Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

 

I am a
farmer from Lancaster County, PA. I am also a post abortion father.
Public opinion would have it that men are not supposed to be affected by
abortion. That is wrong. I can bear witness to the fact that men are
actually very affected by their involvement
My story
starts over 30 years ago, when I had a relationship with a girl that
resulted in an abortion. It actually seemed convenient at the time and
it was kept a secret. What I didn't realize then was how this would
affect me for the next 30 plus years of my life. Without my even
realizing it, the guilt of what I had been part of created anxiousness,
anxiety, and an anger hidden deep inside of me that I just couldn't
understand. I was very often "on edge". Small issues in life often
became big issues and really "set me off". I never thought that these
things might be connected to the abortion I had been involved with.
Two years ago, my father died of brain cancer. My father and I were
very close and during his illness I was constantly angry about what was
happening to him. I was angry at God and at the situation. After my
father's death, the anger didn't go away, in fact, it got worse. My wife
told me I need to get help dealing with it.
During my
counseling for anger, my counselor realized that there was something
deeper to this anger then I was revealing to him. I admitted to him that
I had something so awful in my past that I could never reveal it. My
wife, who knew nothing about the abortion, insisted that I talk, so, at
that moment, I told my secret. I was connected with a post abortion
counselor at a local pregnancy center and I began a very difficult
journey of healing. That journey included my repentance and acceptance
of what I had been responsible for. Finally, and most difficult for me, I
needed to forgive myself and also those who had been involved in the
death of my daughter.
Part of what a man is called to
do in life is to provide for and protect his family. I realized I had
failed at protecting my daughter. As I worked through a study called
"Healing a Fathers Heart" with my counselor and my wife, I realized how
deeply this "spirit of abortion" had gripped my life. It had deeply
affected my thought life, it had adversely affected relationships with
family and others, and it had kept me distant from God. I was so angry
at those involved in my daughters death that I really wanted to hurt
them. I realized, though, that Christ had died so that we all could have
forgiveness. If he offers forgiveness to them, how could I refuse to.
When I finally forgave those responsible for doing this to my little
girl, it was a hugh weight lifted off of me. The power of forgiveness
was like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. It was miraculous,
life changing, and it brought me tremendous freedom. I was free of the
anxiety, the anger, and the anxiousness that had been with me for so
many years. Relationships with family and others that had been difficult
for years suddenly changed. I felt closer to God then I had ever felt
in my life. I had a joy in living that I had not experienced before.
Part of my journey through counseling was to write a letter to my
aborted daughter. It is a very personal letter but, so that people may
understand that a man actually has very deep inner feelings about what
he has been involved in, I want to share with you an excerpt from that
letter: