Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

We all have them, connectors to our abortions that set us off into a whirlwind when activated.  They can be like a suction, dragging us through time and sweeping us up emotionally to the very real trauma we have experienced.

Each of us may have different connectors, although many of us experience similar ones. The anniversary of the abortion, or our baby's due date. A certain sound, or a smell that reminds us of the abortion. A place we ate that we cannot go to anymore without knowing why; clothes we used to love to wear and now hate, emotions of anger, rage, fear.  Or, in my case, complete and total abandonment.

My abandonment use to land me in the dark pit of despair screaming at me that no ones loves, or cares for me. Not surprising, considering I was a 17 year old, unwed, pregnant girl, cast out into the world  with no job, no money and no place to go in order to coerce me into having the abortion my dad wanted at almost 5 months of pregnancy.

But, you do not have to be 17. You can be a woman whose husband threatens to leave, or whose boyfriend promises the world if only you abort, and then disappears. There are a million different scenarios. Abandonment, the ultimate despair and lonliness. Even Jesus cried out in the garden when He felt it.

Abandonment kept me in a personal prison for many years. The feeling would come up in many circumstances tormenting me, leaving me wondering how I could ever go on. Every argument brought on its fear, and every end, even if I was the one who ended it ,seeped me in its feelings.

I would always become terrfied of what was,in my mind, going to happen. The truth is I am the only one who made it happen, but I did not know how to stop it at the time, and did not connect it to my abortion. It was so powerful!

It took a long time and much searching for me to finally learn and recognize it for it was, an abortion connector. I then needed to step back and acknowledge that it had nothing to do with what was happening in the present, but was a trigger of the past, the familiar emotional whirlwind that sucked me up for years. Once I learned that, I was able to see what was really happening and talk myself into the present…to stay sure footed instead of allowing the forces of the whirlwind of abandonment to sweep me away.

It took time and lots of "practice," and the help of good, patient friends and a wonderful spiritual director. Sometimes I wonder how in the world they put up with me, but, in time I learned the difference between what I was feeling and what I was knowing.

I expect the trauma of abandonment will always be in my life and will continue to rear its ugly head when times are tough. It was a ploy of the devil for so many years to lock me into despair, that he probably cannot believe it does not work anymore. I also believe it will be present in my final battle of this life. By the grace of God, it has lost its power over me. I still can feel it at times, but now my  knowing defuses it. My knowing Jesus Christ!

“My grace is enough for you:
for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.”

Like St. Paul, may I always boast of this "thorn in my flesh" which is always there to remind me of where I came from, and most importantly of the great mercy, love and forgiveness God has given me.

"Three times I begged the Lord
for it to leave me, but his reply has been, “My grace is enough for you:
for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.”
Therefore, I have cheerfully made up my mind to be proud of my
weaknesses, because they mean a deeper experience of the power of
Christ. I can even enjoy weaknesses, suffering, privations, persecutions
and difficulties for Christ’s sake. For my very weakness makes me
strong in him." (2 Corinthians 12)