Post Abortive Women Need Compassion

Originally
published in the Lumina Newsletter for Winter 2004, Sue’s story is the story of
millions of post abortive women – all in need of compassion and mercy.

I need your compassion, as do many other women
like me. I am a post-abortive
woman. At the age of 54, I am finally
confronting the damage that three abortions have had on me. I was one of the lucky ones: I did not suffer any physical damage to my
cervix or womb. But the extent of the
emotional, mental and spiritual damage in my life is quite overwhelming to
me.

Here is a bit of my story – my
history, my recovery and my healing.

At 18 in the 60’s, I was sexually active and
terrified that my parents would find out how I was living my life. I got pregnant and the father was long
gone. I didn’t even know his last
name. Now what was I supposed to do? Like many young women at the time I did two
things. I got drunk and I had an
abortion. That seemed to be the answer
in those days. That answer (that choice)
scarred me for life. It changed me
forever.

Unbeknownst to me, I spent the next six years
running from the anguish going on inside.
My drinking and my promiscuity increased dramatically; I discovered some
of those wonderful hippie drugs we all loved; I started a deadly relationship
with food and yo-yo dieting, and I fell in love a dozen times and couldn’t make
one of the relationships work. During
this time, I did meet the man of my dreams.
He was perfect – well, almost. He
had one flaw – he was married. So in
1974 when we wound up pregnant, there was only one easy choice – another
abortion. I was so drunk the day of that
abortion that I do not remember any of the details. That day is a fog to me except for one feeling
that has remained – a deep pain.

For the next 11 years of my life, my coping
tools all got worse – the drinking, the promiscuity, the food problems, and two
marriages falling apart. Then, several
things happened that began my long, slow journey of recovery and healing. God blessed me with a son in 1981 and in
1985, God gave me the gift of sobriety.
My sobriety eventually led me back to my Catholic faith, which I had
abandoned in my college days. But my return to my faith did not occur until
after I had one more abortion.

In 1991, my married friend and I were pregnant
again. This time I was sober. This time I wanted to keep the baby. I was given a choice – the baby or him. I was angry and hurt. But after so many years of craziness and
foggy thinking, I caved in and had my third abortion.

For
36 years I was an ardent pro-choice advocate until circumstances of one wintry
day in 2003 again changed me and the course of my life. Due to an ice storm, I couldn’t go to my
regular church for Sunday Mass. I went
to a church closer to home, and after Mass picked up a church bulletin. There was a small box ad about Rachel’s
Vineyard post-abortion Retreats. Being
the good computer junkie that I am, I jumped online to the web site. I sat there reading through the site sobbing,
with tears streaming down my cheeks. I
knew in my gut that it was time for me to deal with my abortions.

I
finally attended my Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat in April 2004. There are no words to describe this profound
experience. What I write about it is
fairly superficial detail. Thirty-six
years of denial, shame, guilt, pain, sadness, and anger came to an end. I was shown how to look at the abortions through
new eyes. I shared my experiences with
10 other post-abortion women. This was
the first time I had ever told anyone about this part of my life. The acceptance and love and forgiveness
offered to me began my healing. I faced
my three children, named them, and asked for their forgiveness. Through the miracles of this weekend retreat
I know that God has forgiven me, and I am on my way to forgiving myself.

Like
all good 60’s kids, I wanted a “quick fix”, although I knew one weekend was not
going to fix 36 years of torment. My
healing is a process, a journey just begun.
I made my dead children a promise, which I quote in full, “I promise you
that I will no longer be silent about you.
I will not hide in shame or guilt.
I commit to turning our pain and sorrow into something good and
positive. I will find a way to honor
your existence and your deaths. I will
let Jesus guide me in memory of you.”

I
am discovering many ways of keeping this promise. I shared my story with my family. They were all unbelievably caring, loving and
supportive. Again I am blessed. Not all post-abortion women get such
positive, compassionate responses. Some
have families who do not want to hear their stories, who cut them out of their
lives, who get angry and mean. That is
not what we need for our healing. I pray
that all families try to understand the depth of the pain of the post-abortion
woman and find compassion.

One
of the joys of my retreat was the discovery that I can use my God-given talents
for writing and speaking to keep my promise and to, perhaps, help others
understand the difficulties of the post-abortion journey. So I am writing letters to editors and
articles such as this. I am speaking out
when appropriate. I walked in a Memorial
Day parade this year in memory of Luke, Grace and Benjamin. I proudly wore a T-shirt that says “Women
Regret Abortion.” I will share my story
openly and freely. I will not hide in
silence, guilt or shame any longer.

I
am not a politician or a lobbyist. I am
just a 54-year old woman who has discovered what a heavy price I have paid for
the three “choices” I made. I will do my
part to make sure that all information is provided to women who are considering
an abortion. I was never informed of
what I might experience after the abortions.
My consent was not informed. I
will use my experience to let other post-abortion women who are suffering know
they are not alone and that there is healing and forgiveness for them, too.

I
pray that you, dear reader, will find compassion in your heart for me and for
all post-abortion women. With compassion
we have a chance for understanding and a chance to heal the gaping wounds of
all post-abortion women.

Susan
Swander, Oregon

Are you living in
darkness and depression after an abortion?
Unable to get past the pain
of your loss?
There is Hope. There
is Healing. There is a way out of the darkness.
Visit Lumina at www.postabortionhelp.org
Email us at lumina@postabortionhelp.org
Call us at 1-877-586-4621