So, here is a new Cosmopolitan article posted June 2nd… my own comments follow:

8 Things Not to Say To A Woman Who has Had an Abortion

I'm very open about the fact that I terminated a pregnancy, but there
are a few things I still don't want to hear

By Mehera Bonner

Talking about my abortion is almost as much fun as talking about a world without cheese (in other words, it's horrifying). That being said, I try to bring it up frequently as part of my own personal crusade to "normalize" the topic. Because I stubbornly refuse to think I have anything to be ashamed of, I have a super-awkward habit of mentioning my abortion to anyone who brings up the subject:

"OMG, did you see that episode of Girls about abortion?"

"I had an abortion." (Cue awkward side-eyes.)

Despite my own willingness to word-vom about my abortion to anyone who asks, there are certain things not to say to someone who's had the procedure — even when that someone is as open to discussing their experience as I am.

1. You must feel guilty, right?
Nope, nope, nope. Asking someone if they feel guilty means there's an assumption that they have something to feel guilty about — which they absolutely don't. And even if the person you're talking to does feel guilty, it's not something most people are willing to admit to themselves, let alone a friend or stranger. That's what therapists and family are for (and cats, to be honest).

2. Do you ever miss your baby?
There are two ways to answer this question. (1) You say, "No, I don't miss my baby," and risk the person you're talking to thinking you're a robot with no feelings. (2) You say, "Yes, I do miss my baby," and get the always-fun follow-up question, "So, why did you have an abortion?" I tend to tackle this question with secret option number three: "I don't think of the pregnancy as a 'baby.'"

3. Do you wish you could go back in time and change your mind?
If I answer "yes" to this question, it means every moment in my life since my abortion would be rendered irrelevant. After my abortion, I got pregnant again four months later, this time opting to keep the baby. If I hadn't had the procedure, I wouldn't have my son.

4. Was your boyfriend/husband mad at you?
My first reaction to this question is usually, "GAHHHHHH, who cares?" But to be honest, I did care and I still do. My abortion was much easier, thanks to my boyfriend's unquestioning support, and the procedure itself felt less daunting with him by my side. But so what, right? Yes, my boyfriend is a human with feelings, but I made my own decision about my own body.

5. What was the gestational age of the pregnancy?
Say it with me: None. Of. Your. Business.

6. I've heard abortions are like a big period.
Unless you are mentioning this because you yourself are about to get an abortion and you're looking for advice (in which case, come at me), no, I would prefer not to relive the process with you over coffee. That information can easily be found online. Next!

7. But, like, why not adoption?
This question implicitly implies that adoption is a better way of dealing with an unwanted pregnancy than abortion, and that's just not true for all people. Shockingly, some women don't want to put their bodies through nine months of professional baby-growing, while other women do.

8. Was it weird when you saw your baby on the monitor?
Yes. Thanks for the reminder! One more reason women shouldn't be made to look at their sonograms pre-procedure.

These 8 things you do not want to hear are so true if you are trying to justify and rationalize the loss of a child by abortion. The truth is just too painful or as Mehera herself says, "horrifying."

One has to wonder why, if  abortion is not something to feel guilty about, it is hard to speak about. I do agree, however, that there are appropriate people and places to speak to about it. Women need to be careful not to speak to someone who does not validate their feelings telling them to "get on with your life," "it's in the past," etc. Or blaming their pain on something else, which happens often to women who go to therapists who do not acknowledge post abortion trauma.

She goes on to say she does not know what to answer when asked if she misses her baby, so she says she does not think of the pregnancy as a baby. All the thinking in the world however, does not change the truth of a child growing within you. In spite of what she says, I get the feeling Mehera misses her baby everyday, although I get the need to disassociate.

Then comes the rationalization, "do you wish you could go back in time?" And the new popular reply,"no, because then my son would not have been born." Having worked with siblings of abortion for years, this perhaps is the worst rationalization to me, because it puts the burden of the death of the child on the living child. These women have no idea of the pain and grief these children feel, and the guilt of thinking if they were not alive perhaps their sibling would be.

I am glad you chose to give your son life Mehera, but, that does not justify the death of your first child. I am sure you may have felt you needed to abort, and I can understand that, but that does not mean it was the right decision. And by the way, your life is not irrelevant nor would it ever be, nor is your sons, but neither was your aborted child's life. All life is precious.

I'm glad her BF stuck around, but having no say in your child's life must have been tough. Men suffer from abortion too.  I hope he is doing ok.

I am not going to address the duration of the pregnancy and the actual procedure because it really does not matter. Abortion is abortion no matter when or how, but I wonder if she felt her pregnancy with her son was "professional baby growing"???? Why is it a "baby" all of a sudden when she speaks of adoption?

In the end she speaks of seeing her baby on the monitor, a reality she does not want to be reminded of. We get it, but we also know you will never forget. None of us do. It's impossible. It was your child and our nature as moms is to nurture and protect!

Yes, it is very painful to remember, but instead of spending so much time on the denial, rationalization she has built around herself there are places she can go for healing, true healing. I hope she makes it to one of them.