Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

Ever have something that seems to control your mind, but no matter how much you try to let go of it, it is always there taunting you?

I think this is particularly true if you have been deeply hurt and are trying to get past it and forgive. Every new prick opens the deepness of the wound, and it feels as if you are starting all over again.

You try not to look, or listen to things that will upset you and start the ball rolling again. That ball of unrest, hurt, sadness and feelings of betrayal. You try to ignore things or avoid things that may bring it up, but it is as if Satan knows your struggles and uses it all the more to tempt you in your weakness knowing you will sooner or later fall into sin. It can be exhausting, especially if it is not a onetime thing, but something that comes up over and over again that you are unable to ignore or distance yourself from.

You may spend hours trying to figure it out, and wonder how people can be so blind to a hurt you have expressed. It is particularly hard if it is someone you really love. Do they not understand? Even worse do they care? It can be very painful to admit that yes, maybe they really do not care and as much as you do not want to believe that, all roads seem to point in that direction. Choosing to continue to forgive in spite of that can be hard, especially when new hurts come up all the time.

It can seem, at those times, as if an alien has taken over your mind, obsessing with the “whys” of it all and leaving us in no peace. You want to let go but the unrest continues. You want to believe in their love for you. There is that one part of you that just does not want to accept the reality of what is, so no matter how much you try, your brain keeps going over things and trying to figure them out. Surely someone who you thought you had a loving relationship with would not do this. How poor of a judge are you if the relationship never was what you believed it to be for years ? The answer may have been in front of you the entire time and you just did not want to see or believe it.

Or how about those times when you make a promise to yourself and God not to engage in conversation with others even if something is bothering you, and yet within minutes your find yourself talking about it, once again trying to figure it all out! It can seem no matter how much prayer, etc, you just cannot turn it off, and so you pray to be deaf, dumb and blind to the situation, so you can move on. Lord, help me not to see, hear, speak! You truly want to forgive. It is  such a distraction! Yet, the one person you cannot get away from is yourself.

"St. John of the Cross wrote about a necessary condition to be fulfilled in our journey toward union with God: “When thy mind dwells upon anything, thou art ceasing to cast thyself upon the All. For, in order to pass from the all to the All, thou hast to deny thyself wholly in all." (God Alone Suffices, Third Edition, pg. 128)

A tall order, one humanly impossible without discipline and grace. That is why we are blessed in our faith to have the beautiful Sacrament of Reconciliation.

I have learned not to be too hard on myself in these times. God knows and understands our hurts and sees the truth even when we don’t. I remind myself that what is important is that I keep trying to keep my eyes on Him and I keep deciding to forgive, even when new hurts come that reopen the original deep wound I may have experienced.

In the end, it is not about me and the "other", both of whom are human and flawed. It is about me and God. A God who has showed me tremendous mercy and desires me to show that same mercy to others. A God who chooses to forgive me again and again when I sin. A God who loved and forgave from the cross.

May our prayer be, “Lord, that I may see ", hear and speak.  See your ways, hear your voice, and speak your words, show your love and forgiveness. May I always keep my eyes on You so that others may see You in me.