Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

A beautiful reflection by one of the women on her son Ethan…

It's Ash Wednesday and I've been thinking about the Lenten Season and all that it means to me.  Jesus, the cross, love and forgiveness.  I've also discovered there is more to my healing.

 My abortion took place many years ago and my child, my Ethan, would be turning 19 years old this spring.  I'm not sure what his exact birthday would be…sometime in May or June.  I never asked what my due date would be and I don't even know that it would have been a boy but something tells me it was. 

 I had never thought of naming my baby.  The thought never crossed my mind.  Maybe that would have made what I did even worse somehow.  Actually, I can't even remember thinking of him in terms of a real person that I could grieve and remember.  Let me explain that.  I did grieve for him and I have never forgotten to think of him on that evil day and all of the other days through the years.  But as I look back, I realize that I've never let myself get attached to him in a way that would make him really mine.   My little angel in heaven waiting for the day we could meet and I could hold him.  I just focused on my pain and my sin and on how much I hated myself for taking my child's life.

 It wasn't until the first Mercy Retreat I attended at the Villa Maria Guadalupe retreat house with the Sisters of Life and Therese Bonopartis of Entering Canaan that naming my baby and writing a letter to him might be something for me to think about doing.  This seemed strange to me at first and I remember listening to Theresa talk about her son Joshua as if he had been right there next to her.  Amazing, to me anyway.

 It was at this Mercy Retreat that I was finally able to understand why I needed to accept God's mercy & forgiveness.  Something I had been wanting but never able to do.  I believe without a doubt that this happened because of God's grace.  This huge weight was lifted from me and my soul felt clean like never before.  However, there was still something else for me to do and that was to name my baby and write a note. It wasn't necessary for me to do it right then but I felt compelled to as part of the healing process.  So I named him Ethan because that's the name my husband wanted if we had a boy when we were ready to have a baby.  I also wrote a letter.  I don't remember what I wrote but I remember feeling good about it.  I'd like to say that ever since then I've been talking to him and praying to him often.  I do sometimes and I've asked him for forgiveness but it's been very hard for me to "connect" with him in a special mother-son way.    

So, here I am knowing that I'm forgiven.  I look at Jesus on the cross everyday and know how much He loves me.  I'm a child of God and although I can't see Him or touch Him, I know I can talk to Him and feel His presence in my heart.

I can't see or touch my baby either but I should feel him in my heart too.  My precious baby is in heaven and I have not gotten to hold him and to kiss him and shower him with love.  And although I hope to someday, I feel that I need to give him whatever love I can right now.  Something I haven't been doing.  The other day I heard a song by a group called Skillet.  The name of the song is "Lucy" and it's about a parent grieving the loss of a child through abortion.  It made me stop and think not about my abortion but about my child and all that I've missed.  I realized that I haven't really done that and I began to really grieve for my baby.  My Ethan.

How amazing.  There's even more to my healing.  It's funny…Theresa talks of the importance of this but I guess it didn't click.  Unless God was holding this out for me for a later time.  When I was ready.  More of His grace…

Here's a little bit of this beautiful song titled "Lucy"

Hey Lucy, I remember your name
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away
I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say

Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to see
That little piece of Heaven looking back at me

Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices I made
And I can't live with myself today

Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday
They said it'd bring some closure to say your name
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance
But all I got are these roses to give
And they can't help me make amends…

Donna