Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. (1Timothy1:16)

For sure patience is my worst virtue. I think perhaps some of the reason is that I am always multitasking. I think it comes from being a single parent. Mother, father, bread winner etc., and at one point student. I had to multitask to get it all done.

Now in the age of multimedia with all our gadgets, although I use them as little as possible, it adds to the feelings of not being present in the “here and now” because I am always on to the future, or where others may take me. It can get crazy

I am missing many experiences, and perhaps many of the lessons God is trying to teach me in each moment, because I am always so busy.
I can see how I take much I should be relishing for granted, and that my impatience is not good for my soul. Of course, some people like to be busy, and there is nothing wrong with that, but there is a difference between being busy and being inpatient.

The funniest example of how unmindful I can be was one day when I was going to my computer to listen to a meditation from a class on distraction and how we go from one thing and often end up doing a million other things instead. I knew what the meditation was about as I sat down at my computer to pull it up. Within a couple of seconds I realized that I was checking messages instead of pulling up the meditation! Not 2 minutes had gone by and I was already totally distracted, doing exactly what the meditation was to teach me not to do!

“But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.” (1Timothy1:16)

For practice, I thought I would spend a little time on 2 of the spiritual works of mercy I have struggled with recently in the context of patience.
• To forgive offenses willingly
• To bear wrongs patiently

Forgiveness of others, but also I believe it includes my treatment of myself. With abortion there are often so many people and so much to forgive. Boyfriends, wives, husband, parents, friends and, of course, ourselves. Aside from forgiving myself for giving in to abortion, I have had 2 other circumstances where forgiveness from an offense that touched my very core was a difficult very road for me. I truly needed to learn to “bear wrongs patiently”, and I am still learning.

Most notably and familiar to many of you was the forgiveness of my dad who coerced me into an abortion. The abandonment & betrayal I felt took years to work through. I will never forget the day my spiritual director told me he did not want me to confront my dad about the abortion, but instead allow my dad to teach me patience and forgiveness.

I thought he was nuts! And yet, as time passed, I saw my dad truly was teaching me to be patient and to forgive. Each time something happened and my hurt surfaced again, I needed to forgive again and to be patient with him and myself.

It was a lesson I have had to continue learn over and over again through the years and to decide over and over again.
When we are deeply hurt it is difficult not to succumb to anger, bitterness, and resentment. It is difficult not to speak of those who hurt us in uncharitable ways. I learned through these experiences that God has showed that patience with me. That he forgives me over and over again for my faults.

I also learned I had to be patient with myself and that it was okay if I failed in learning to forgive deep hurts. God understood my pain, and knew it was not easy for me. As long as I was sorry and received our beautiful sacrament of reconciliation, He allowed me to begin again, one time, one hundred times, one thousand times, to make the decision to forgive again.

Christ loved me through my unforgiveness, my anger, and my bitterness and my impatience, and it is through that love, in the midst of my deep pain that I learn to forgive.

It is in times like this, when we truly know what it means to be “brokenhearted”, that we find Jesus is close to us if we seek Him out. When people we have loved and trusted have betrayed us, whether it is on purpose or due to their own failings. Who knows better than Jesus, the betrayal of friends?
It is very painful, especially when we feel the cross of betrayal keeps on giving, it is so hard to forgive offenses willingly; and to bear wrongs patiently. It takes an act of the will. It takes a movement on our part. We need to choose to forgive again and again. We need to be patient with others and ourselves, as Christ is with us.

This act of forgiving in the midst of deep pain is a true sharing in the suffering of Christ. A chance for us to carry the cross and to understand more deeply the mercy and sacrifice of Jesus. It is a gift. A chance for us to grow in deeper relationship with Him because of our love for Him, and because in the end that is all that is really important, giving the mercy and forgiveness we have received.

Perhaps the thing I have learned that struck me most was something I knew and had heard a million times before, but took on new meaning. Christ forgave from the cross!

He did not forgive when He was feeling better, or when things settled down and He resurrected. He forgave from that very place of excruciating pain. He chose to forgive in the midst of His betrayal, physical and mental pain, His crucifixion! He chose to conquer sin with His love and forgiveness and mercy.

I am human, I am sure, sooner or later during my life, and I will need to learn the lessons of patience in forgiveness again. In the diary f St Faustian, Jesus says: “I permit adversities in order to increase your merit. I do not reward for good results but for the patience and hardship undergone for My Sake”

I doubt that I will ever get it right in this life, but that is okay. What matters is that I desire to forgive offenses willingly; and to bear wrongs patiently; and that I begin again each time I fall, knowing it is only through His grace that I can succeed.

And so I will end with this prayer from St Faustina Diary:
Jesus, do not leave me alone in suffering. You know, Lord, how weak I am. I am an abyss of wretchedness, I am nothingness itself; so what will be so strange if You leave me alone and I fall? I am an infant, Lord, so I cannot get along by myself. However, beyond all abandonment I trust, and in spite of my own feeling I trust, and I am being completely transformed into trust-often in spite of what I feel. Do not lessen any of my sufferings; only give me strength to bear them. Do with me as You please, Lord, only give me the grace to be able to love You in every event and circumstance. Lord, do not lessen my cup of bitterness, only give me strength that I may be able to drink it all.
Jesus I trust in you!