Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

Thank you, Jesus, for the great favor of making known to me the whole abyss of my misery. I know that I am an abyss of nothingness and that, if Your holy grace did not hold me up, I would return to nothingness in a moment. And so, with every beat of my heart, I thank You, my God, for Your great mercy towards me. (St Faustina’s Diary 256)

An Abyss of nothingness does not sound like a very good place to be and yet it is in that place that we find salvation, but more on that later.

For those of you who may not know my story, I had a saline abortion in a hospital, as a teen, in my fourth month of pregnancy. I had no clue of what was about to happen. I did not know the development of my baby or have any idea what was about to take place when I entered for my “termination”. No one told me anything. I vividly remember the doctor coming in and injecting me with the saline solution. I remember thinking he seemed evil and looked like the old comedian Danny Kaye who I was unable to even look at after that.

After hours of labor, I gave birth to a dead baby boy. I can still see him lying in the bed next to me. His lifeless body, his little hands and feet.  I could not imagine how this was possible, that next door to me a mom had given birth to her child, while in my room my son met this untimely death. How was it possible that this was legal? I could not wrap my head around it.

When I saw him, all I wanted to do was put him back inside of me, but I knew that was impossible. It was a life altering moment. I don’t know why but I named him in that moment, Joshua.

I ran from my reality for years. It always bothered me, so I would not say I was in denial, but the obvious unspoken message was that we all pretended this did not happen…or as I call it, the monster was in the room, but everyone chose to ignore him. I played at denial, but it haunted me. I thought I was crazy for it bothering me.

Some people hear my story and think it is so terrible that I saw my son. I have always considered it a blessing because I knew very well what I had done. It did not allow me the denial of his life.

The quote mentioned before may upset some. “I am an abyss of nothingness” only your grace holds me up. For me, this thought has become freeing and I believe what has enabled me, in the end, to develop the spiritual relationship I have with Joshua now.

I don’t remember exactly when I began that relationship, but I do know it was years into my healing journey. Like I always say, I don’t think you can really look at an abortion experience without first knowing the unconditional love of Christ and having a relationship with Him. A relationship that knows His mercy and trusts in Him despite our feelings. Abortion is too horrific a thing to look at on its own.

I do remember being terrified to look at it. I always thought Joshua, would be there when I died pointing a finger at me and telling God I was the one who killed him, and I would be doomed to hell. After all, I deserved it. You know, no forgiveness, condemned to hell, all that good stuff.

I also think somewhere inside I knew, that looking, meant not only looking at the abortion but the entire way I was living my life at that time. I was terrified at what I would see. Growing up in the 60’s, the Woodstock generation, you can only imagine the life I lived. I was so lost. Still, in my mind, Joshua was always there in that bed beside me.

Years later when I had my 2 living sons and returned to the church through desperation, I was blessed to have a wonderful spiritual director who was instrumental in my healing, who lead a group of us in consecration to Mary through St Louis Marie De Montfort. That was in 1988.  I credit this 33-day consecration, which I renew each year and by the grace of God try to live daily, with my life, and even the development of the Entering Canaan Ministry.

It is also through living this consecration that I began to learn just what a “nothing” I was, and how much I needed God, and that it was ok, because it was only through knowledge of that nothingness, that emptying of “self” that I could be open to Him, and Jesus could live in me.

That is what helped me to begin to look, because I now knew Gods love and I knew Mary was at my side. I no longer trusted “me” who had made so many mistakes, I trusted them, and I gained confidence because my confidence was in them not me.

The consecration renewed each year,  is divided up into a few periods, the second period is devoted to “Knowledge of self”, during which time we are asked  examine ourselves, renounce our will, to have contrition for our sins and contempt of self, telling us this should be done at the feet of Mary,  “for it is from her you hope for light to know yourself, and it is near her that you shall be able to measure the abyss of your miseries without despairing.” And so, through this consecration, my journey into spiritual relationship with my son also began as I looked at my life from safely beneath her mantle where I trusted she would teach me much, as she continued to lead me to her Son.

Joshua always had a name. I imagine because I saw him. I don’t remember trying to think of a name, it was always just Joshua. Joshua was with me way before I was with him consciously. I like to think he and Mary were in cahoots!

I think one of the manifestations of them in my life was the naming of the ministry. It came to me in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament that Entering Canaan was what God wanted to name of the ministry to be. I remember feeling confused and having no idea why it should be that name. All I knew was that the Israelites entered the promise land of Canaan, but what the heck would that have to do with post abortion healing?

I went home and began reading about their journey.  It was not easy, some gave up early and went home, others went a ways and then stopped, there were many obstacles in their way, but many persevered.

In their journey God promised to always be with them. It fit the journey of post abortion healing to a tee. It all made sense, and then I saw where in the bible they entered the Promised land of Canaan. In the book of Joshua!

It was as if he was there waiting for me all along. Mary was leading the way to both my son, and most importantly hers. My journey to healing was the journey to Canaan, the promised land.

Certainly, the many battles the Israelites faced in their journey were no different than the ones I faced. It was and is, a constant pulling myself back to the path Mary lays out for me.  I stray often, I get caught up in crazy things, but despite how poorly I do at times, I trust. I refuse not to believe in His mercy.

There have been many sufferings along the way, especially from my personal “abortion connectors” , like abandonment and control, which are still thrown into my path and always will be in this life, to taunt me and try to get me to doubt the mercy of God, but as much as I hate to suffer, I have also learned to love to suffer, because it is in those times I am growing closer to Christ and to Joshua. I am hopefully dying to self-more deeply, so that Jesus can live more fully in me as He continues to teach me.

My relationship with Joshua has evolved through suffering. He is now part of my daily life. An army of unborn are with him and with me as we minister. He is no longer a fearful thought but a comfort to think of.

In the Gospel of Life, St John Paul II tells us that have had an abortion that, “nothing is definitively lost. " I know some people have a problem with that because they think it's somehow saying abortion is ok, but that is not what it is saying at all. It is saying nothing is definitively lost, because of the unfathomable mercy of God. 

I am not afraid to believe Joshua and all our children are with Him in heaven. If He can do what He has done for me in my life how could I even question His mercy for the innocent unborn or His desire for them to be with Him?

I believe healing from abortion is this full circle- our own suffering, death and resurrection through our “nothing” to Jesus Christ who becomes our “everything.”

We travel from a rejection of the gift of life, to our own acknowledgment of sin, our suffering and crucifixion. It is there we find, through surrender, Jesus who fills us with His love and mercy. We then embark on our road to Canaan learning much on the way, of His life, and being taught through His example and of course led by Mary who keeps us on the path. It is on this way that we encounter our children again in the fullness of faith, coming full circle, reclaiming and embracing them in Jesus Christ. Meeting them in the Eucharist as Jesus Himself brings them to us through the sacrament.

Maybe our unborn children have not been raised from the dead in this world, but our amazing merciful God has certainly brought them into life with Him. He has re-gifted our children through His resurrection which we celebrate on Easter Sunday.

Thank you, Jesus, for the great favor of making known to me the whole abyss of my misery. I know that I am an abyss of nothingness and that, if Your holy grace did not hold me up, I would return to nothingness in a moment. And so, with every beat of my heart, I thank You, my God, for Your great mercy towards me. (256)

Amen.