Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

This was given as a talk by one of the women at our recent Entering Canaan Mercy Retreat: "The Tender Love of God the Father"

***************************************************************************************************************************

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

When I hear John 3:16, I am overcome with gratitude. God gave us His best, His beloved and only Son. So that He can be with me and I can be with Him – forever. I am awestruck. My heart is filled to overflowing. The Creator of the Universe loves and wants to be with me. Forever. Utterly amazing.

I didn’t always feel this way. I didn’t always know how much God loved me. I really didn’t know much about God at all. I was baptized and received First Communion, but after that, my family stopped any involvement with Church or God. My only understanding of God was from a Children’s Bible that had been given to my parents. I clearly remember the pictures of the Garden of Eden and God being an old man with a white beard. I remember the pictures of the blood on Cain’s hands and of Noah’s Ark with the rays of light shining through the clouds. But my knowledge of God pretty much stopped there. I thought, for many years, that God was all about judgement. He was far away, somewhere up in the clouds, and wasn’t really involved in my life.

For some reason, I started going to Confirmation classes in 9 th grade. Really, it was about me trying to fit in with my friends. I had only gone to one or two classes when my parents decided to divorce. Their divorce wasn’t a surprise since their relationship was horrible. They didn’t marry out of love. They got pregnant with me. I was a mistake. The marriage and divorce left my mother a wreck with 5 kids to raise. She started going out many nights to drown her pain while my father moved to a different state. To say our lives were tumultuous would be an understatement. I stopped going to Confirmation. I really couldn’t figure out where or who God was, and from all that was going on, it didn’t seem like He cared too much about me anyway.

That led me to a long downward spiral through my teens and into my 20s. Lots of drinking, lots of dating and promiscuity. I moved out of my mother’s townhouse when I was 17 so I had zero guidance. My first abortion happened when I was 19. My second at 22. My relationship with God was non-existent. I felt like He was far away from me and I was certainly far away from Him. Any time I did happen to think about God I felt sure He could care less about a worthless sinner like me. I did not understand and could not fathom true, authentic love. To me love was purely transactional, or performance based. If I did what someone wanted, I might be worthy of their love and attention. If I didn’t (or even sometimes when I did) I was used, discarded, and abandoned. And I thought God didn’t care because He just kept letting it happen. Anyway, I deserved it because I was so bad and so unworthy. I deserved every bad thing that happened to me because I kept making such stupid decisions. And I kept making such stupid decisions because I was so desperate to be loved. It was a vicious, dark cycle that led to chaos and death. I felt like God thought I was a lost cause and not worthy of His time, effort, or attention. I felt utterly abandoned and alone, but to the outside world, I painted on a smile and pretended I was having a great time. Not a care in the world. But inside, I was lonely, sad, and desperate for someone to truly see me, hear me, and love me. Somewhere to be safe.

Slowly and patiently, God found ways and people to pull me toward Him. A person invited me to Mass, another asked me to help them teach a religious ed class. I was completely unqualified to do anything with faith. But, for some reason, I went. And I listened. And I saw people believing and trusting God. He was opening my heart, bit by bit. Small piece by small piece, He was showing me who He was and that He was trustworthy. It made me want to learn more about Him and His ways.

I started going to Mass, went through the RCIA process, and received the sacrament of Confirmation. I got married in the Church but ended up getting divorced. Another failure. More shame. But this time, I didn’t want to turn away from God as bad things happened. I went through the annulment process and opened my heart and sorrow to Him. I sought out ways to learn more about faith. But I had a deep, dark secret. Two of them. I had never confessed my abortions. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, even though I was very active in the Church. Even though I actually worked for the Church! 

Still, God never gave up on me. He was committed to my healing and my freedom, even when I didn’t know how much I needed it. I attended a weeklong retreat where I was learning about God’s purpose in creating us male and female. I was learning about how the love of man and woman is meant to image the love of the Trinity. And that the Trinity is the Father pouring out love to Jesus, His Son. That Jesus, the Son, is forever receiving and giving back love to the Father.
And that the Holy Spirit is the life-giving love that flows between them. And, in mind-blowing fashion, that God made me to share in this eternal exchange of love forever with Him in heaven! That, in essence, I was created by love and for love. So much so that God would do anything, give anything, to offer me the invitation to be His bride. I was blown away. I had never heard of or understood God in those terms before.

As part of this weeklong experience, I attended a Reconciliation service. I knew God was calling me to confess my abortions. But I was terrified. They were too awful. I couldn’t say the words out loud. I was sitting close to the front of the room and started crying hard. Thankfully the room was dim, so I moved to the back because I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I just kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t”. And God kept speaking in my heart, “Trust me. Trust me”.

I decided, for the first time in my life, to trust. To believe that God loved me and wanted the best for me. That He wanted me to know freedom and peace. That He loved me, even in my sin. That I didn’t have to be perfect to earn His love. All I had to do was believe. All I had to do was repent. All I had to do was say that I needed a Savior – and that I was not it, and neither was a husband, a nice house, good kids, friends, food, money, or the million other things I thought would save me. All I had to do was let go and hold on tight to my true Bridegroom, Jesus, and His loving – my loving – Father. And when I did, when I finally let Him love me, just as I am, I found the love and safety I was looking for. I allowed Him to hold me tight, to tell me everything was all right, to tell me my sins were forgiven, to show me what real love is – forever, faithful, fruitful, and free. I was a drowning woman, and God pulled me from the storm. He washed and
cleaned my wounds and loved me back to life.

That Confession was the beginning of my true walk with God. It changed me. And it continues to change me. Only God could take something as horrible as my abortions and use them to bring me back to Him. Only His love – through the life, death, and Resurrection of Jesus has the power to take on our sins, crucify them, and bring new life through them. I know now that my sins do not define me. His love defines me. I am so far from perfect, and because I am fallen, I still struggle with sin. But now I quickly ask for His forgiveness, and I trust that He loves me and wants me to rest in His love and share His love. He has proven His love to me. I see it every time I look at a crucifix. He loves me so much – and you so much – that He gives everything. He holds nothing back. He wants
to live, in love, with you and with me – forever.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Amen!  – LH