Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion

I love the Advent season. It has become a real resting place, a “glorious expectation” of the coming of the Christ Child into our midst. But it was not always like this. Being a post-abortive woman, for years I found Advent and the Christmas season a time of great anxiety and sorrow. In the joy of the birth of Christ experienced by so many, I experienced nothing but fear, dread, and unending pain. I was always relieved to greet the New Year knowing I did not have to deal with it all again for another 12 months.

If you think about it, it’s an understandable reaction. Feeling unforgivable and alienated from God, certain of eternal condemnation, why would anyone who was post-abortive want to “prepare the way” for Christ? Meeting Christ meant judgment and the flames of hell. It meant the fulfillment of everything I feared and felt about myself. The entire season spoke of my sinfulness.

Unlike Mary’s fiat, I said “no.” My “no” to God’s gift of life was loudly resounding in my head. How could I appreciate Mary’s courage, faith, and complete unselfishness when I had the complete opposite reaction? The shame was all-consuming.

Instead of the joy of the birth of a son, I was reminded intensely of the destruction of my unborn son. The grief and guilt it brought to me was overwhelming. While choirs were singing “Joy to the World,” I was certain Christ’s coming meant I would be alone to suffer, with no one to love and no one to love me.

While others shopped happily for gifts for their children, I was reminded of the child who would never get to experience Christmas joy, sit on Santa’s lap, or open a present under the tree. The void was immense and seemed impossible to fill.

Things are different now. As I learned to take the focus off of myself and put it on Jesus, I came into a personal relationship with Him. I learned of His unending mercy and forgiveness in the face of my contrition for my abortion. Far from a damning God, I came to know His deep desire for my healing and my union with Him.

Instead of a dread of Advent and the Christmas season, I came to understand that it was in this act, the birth of Mercy Himself, that my salvation began. The immense void I had experienced slowly filled with His love and mercy, and I grew to know He came to this earth for me, a sinner, so that I could share eternal life with Him and my unborn child.

Yes, now Advent speaks to my heart of a “glorious expectation” of peace, joy, love, forgiveness, and mercy. This grace is not just for me but for all who trust in Him, no matter what their sin.

If you are post-abortive or suffering from other sins that keep you from the joy of the Advent, take your focus off of yourself and place it instead on Christ, born for our salvation. If you do, I promise you, you will not only feel joy but a glorious expectation!