What a perfect day to speak about allowing yourself to be loved, Valentines Day! I dont know about any of you, but this was a tough one for me.
Not only was I abandoned by my family when I became pregnant and coerced into an abortion, I was abandoned by the father as well. Wounded and a mess, I picked a husband who was abusive and addicted, and eventually, my sons and I were abandoned by him.
Because of my woundedness my pattern of picking the wrong people continued well into my life. It seemed every time I felt “safe” to love, everytime I trusted, I ended up being hurt again. As a means for what I thought was survival I built a wall around myself not letting many in for fear of being hurt again.
It wasn’t until much later, after healing and developing a relationship with Christ, that I even allowed myself to love. Trouble was, I was still managing the borders, afraid to let go, to truly trust in His love for me because of all the trauma I had experienced in my life. Oh, I could love God-safely-without making myself vulnerable, but I had to work on allowing God to love me.
St Elizabeth of the Trinity whose message was “let yourself be loved”, was instrumental in my allowing myself to sit in that love before Him in the Eucharist, and slowly take down the walls of my heart to not only love Him but allow Him to love me. To know that He loved me, despite my failing, despite my sins, even my sin of abortion.
This Valentines Day I am so happy to love and be loved. To know I am forgiven. To allow myself to be vulnerable..to free fall because I know God will catch me!
If you are suffering from an abortion it may be like this for you too. It may take time, but keep trusting in His love for you despite your feelings. Despite any struggles you may have. He understands and is patient and I can promise you, you will not be disappointed.
Jesus Christ, the best valentine there is…
Reclaiming Our Children: A Blog About Healing After Abortion 