I wanted to write this yesterday since it was the gospel of the day that stirred this in me, but it does seems fitting to do it on the Feast of Maximillian Kolbe, patron of “Penitents of Love ” and one who sacrificed all out of love and forgave. I have been working on forgiveness a lot lately. As I move closer to Christ I’m more aware of the many ways I judge, or the ways I am failing to forgive.
So I begin with yesterdays gospel.
Peter approached Jesus and asked him,
“Lord, if my brother sins against me,
how often must I forgive him?
As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.
That is why the Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants.
When he began the accounting,
a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount.
Since he had no way of paying it back,
his master ordered him to be sold,
along with his wife, his children, and all his property,in payment of the debt.
At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said,”Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’
Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan.
When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount.
He seized him and started to choke him, demanding,
‘Pay back what you owe.’
Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him,
‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
But he refused.
Instead, he had the fellow servant put in prison until he paid back the debt.
Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened,they were deeply disturbed,
and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant!
I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant,as I had pity on you?’
Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt.
So will my heavenly Father do to you,
unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart.”
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Forgiveness is a process, a choice I pray to make over and over again as I move deeper into the traumas of my life, the wounds. I am only able to do this through the presence of Jesus and Mary in my life.
As I go deeper into these wounds I recognize my need to go deeper into forgiveness- that there is more there I need to acknowledge and forgive with others, and even myself.
Recently I was speaking to my spiritual director about Mary. I was deeply struck by how she hides me in her wounds, the very wounds I caused. She loves me despite what I did. I feel so grateful for her presence in my life as she leads me to her Son, teaches me, and battles along side me against those things that keep me from Him. One is unforgiveness.
In response, my spiritual director proposed this to me: “And perhaps like her, your wounds can also be places of grace and mercy for those who caused them“. How beautiful it would be if I could reflect that love and forgiveness of Mary to those in my life who wounded me deeply-not only with my abortion but other deep hurts. That I would do for them, make my wounds places of grace and mercy, as Mary does for me.
Praying on that, I recognized that it was not humanly possible– that only the grace of God could bring me to that depth of forgiveness.
When contemplating the two crowns offered to him by Mary, (one of purity and the other of martyrdom), St Maximillian Kolbe said, “In that sacred moment, I understood that love holds nothing back. My heart, wholly belonging to Jesus, I could not choose one over the other. With the courage only grace can give, I told her, I accept them both.” It’s only by the grace of God.
That is why yesterdays gospel hit me so deeply:
“Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan.”
In His unfathomable mercy God has forgiven me the grievous sin of abortion and the many other sins I have committed. I deserve nothing, but yet He loves me and gives His life to me.
His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’
It’s so easy to forget or take for granted Gods mercy to us. To think that somehow we are better or deserve more, but the truth is we are all sinners in need of His mercy. All we have that are truly ours, are our sins, and all that is good in us comes from Him.
And so, I will continue to pray for the grace to forgive deeply. To make the act of forgiveness now where I can, and where it is still too hard, to pray for the grace and to trust and open myself. I want to be able to forgive. To be the wound of Mary who hides us in herself, teaches us to love, and brings us to her Son. I want to be able to do that and They know that and want it too.
I trust They will continue to lead me on this path as I come to a deeper knowledge of Their hearts – to surrender more to forgive as Jesus, Mary & Maximillian Kolbe forgave . I know Mary will help me.
“With a willing heart I give myself to you unto the slavery of love”
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