Adoption & Abortion

It is almost impossible to believe that sixteen years have passed since I had my abortion, perhaps even more incredulous that I feel forgiven and healed. I write this in thanksgiving to God for His countless blessings and in the hope that someone reading may come to believe that he or she may also experience healing.

I grew up in a Catholic home. Despite my refusal to accept many teachings of the Church, I did believe that abortion was morally wrong, and so when I got pregnant during my first year of college, I never really considered it as an option. Adoption or parenthood, adoption or parenthood… both my boyfriend and I had significant substance abuse problems at the time, and I just did not feel fit to be a parent. Most of my friends were stunned by this decision, as they were convinced that adoption must be so much more painful than the “quick and easy” solution to have an abortion.

Miraculously, my obsession to drink and take drugs was gone during my pregnancy, and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Although the adoption was a most painful experience, it couldn’t compare to the horror I went through a year later when I got pregnant a second time.

The shame and humiliation were overwhelming, the prospect of giving up another baby unbearable. But what kind of parent would I be if I was so irresponsible and so out of control? How could I have let this happen? I was also drinking daily at this time, and although I could not admit this, I knew I wasn’t ready to stop. In my deluded mind, adoption or parenthood were no longer options, and yet no one could convince me this wasn’t a child. I had been pregnant and given birth to my son a year earlier. I knew this was no “collection of cells”. The mental torment of trying to make a decision and the feeling of desperation were unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Someone once said that women “choose” abortion the way a trapped animal “chooses” to chew off its own leg to save itself. Utterly violating my own conscience, I aborted my second son. I told almost no one and buried it deep inside. As the years went by, I rarely thought about it. In retrospect, however, I can see all the subtle ways it affected me. I was drinking and drugging around the clock, had become more promiscuous, couldn’t really look at children, couldn’t sustain relationships, was emotionally unstable, had completely lost my faith, couldn’t stand myself. I never once attributed any of this to my abortion. I went so far as to volunteer for Planned Parenthood in a subtle attempt to justify what I had done.

By the grace of God I finally got sober and found my way back to the Church. I confessed for the first time in many years, telling the priest I was sure I’d broken every commandment except for killing someone. He gently asked me if I had ever had an abortion. I hadn’t been lying, it simply had not occurred to me to confess that sin. I was so far removed from what I had done. I received absolution that day, but I thought about the abortion more and more. I felt evil and dirty and ashamed-a liar, a hypocrite, a murderer. I could not forgive myself.

I went to prayer vigils and walks to end abortion, but only felt more alienated. I was terrified someone would “find out”. Eventually, I was directed to the Sisters of Life and attended a day of prayer and healing. As I sat listening to Theresa share her abortion experience, something happened. She was telling parts of MY story, she knew how I felt, she understood my suffering. I was not alone and was not crazy, but was experiencing a profound grief, a grief that our society tells us is not acceptable to feel. More importantly, I knew she had experienced healing, and a seed of hope took root in me. If I just let God do the work, maybe I could be healed.

Five years have past since I visited the Sisters. Through the ministry and through work with others like me, God has brought me to a place of joy and hope. It’s not always been easy, but I’ve never had to do it alone.

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